Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage by Morrie & Arleah Shechtman

The basis of any conflict is a gap between what you want and what you’re getting.  This gap does not lead to rage or crushing disappointment if what you want is arising from the present.

The emotional intensity of a conflict depends on whether it is rooted in the past or in the present.  Conflicts that are truly about the present are easily managed in the present.

Healthy, sane adults are capable not only of saying “No”, but also of taking “no” for an answer.

When marriage becomes a drag – when you conceive of it is something you have to work out and can’t seem to make any headway no matter how hard you work – you are attempting to solve the wrong problem.  If you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, then you are feeling unhappy, period.

To grieve is to revisit the old pain that gave rise to your negative familiars, acknowledge it, comfort it, and liberate yourself form it’s influence.

Everybody has a painful childhood because being a child is inherently painful.  It is a state of acute helplessness – helplessness to control your world and helplessness to interpret it correctly.

If we had to sum up in one word what makes a good marriage, the word would be courage.  Love isn’t compromise, sacrifice, or unconditional acceptance.  Love is courage.

Unexamined pain from the past amplifies and complicates pain in the present.

Trust is not about believing in other people.  Trust is believing in yourself.  It is knowing that whatever other people do, you can handle it.

Your feeling patterns as an adult were shaped by the way you felt on the average days of your childhood, days when nothing especially memorable or out of the ordinary occurred.  The familiar – a mood or feeling that you never especially note because it was so habitual, so ordinary – shaped your expectations of what is ordinary to feel as an adult… when you feel like that now --- even if it’s not an especially good feeling – you feel safe.