All quotes from
Sue's book
Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early
childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual
positions. Instead, recognize and admit
that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the
same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.
We now
ask our lovers for the emotional connection and sense of belonging that my
grandmother could get from a whole village.
When we
feel generally secure, that is, we are comfortable with closeness and confident
about depending on loved ones, we are better at seeking support – and better at
giving it.
Openness
to new experience and flexibility of belief seems to be easier when we feel
safe and connected to others. Curiosity
comes out of a sense of safety; rigidity out of being vigilant to threats.
When
marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional
responsiveness.
The
purpose of Find the Bad Guy is self-protection, but the main move is mutual
attack, accusation, or blame.
If I appeal to you for emotional connection and you respond
intellectually to a problem, rather than directly to me, on an attachment level
I will experience that as “no response”.
Flexibility
and being able to see your own moves and their impact on others is the key.
Our past
history with loved ones shapes our present relationships.
In
moments of disconnection when we cannot safely engage with our lover, we
naturally turn to the way of coping that we adopted as a child.
There are
two signs that tell you when your raw spot or your partner’s has been hit. First, there is a sudden radical shift in the
emotional tone of the conversation. ... Second, the reaction to a perceived
offense often seems way out of proportion.
To love
well requires courage – and trust.
To really
have a strong, loving, healthy relationship, you must be able not just to
curtail negative patterns that generate attachment insecurities, to see and
accept each other’s attachment protest, but also to create powerful positive
conversations that foster being accessible, responsive, and engage with each
other.
Fear and
longing are two sides of the same coin.
There is
no perfect soul mate, no flawless lover. We are all stumbling around, treading
on each other’s toes as we are learning to love.
A major
part of keeping your love alive is to recognize the key moments of connection
and hold them up where you both can see them.
We use
stories to make sense of our lives.
To
achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune in to our deepest
needs and longings and translate them into clear signals that help our lovers
respond to us. We have to be able to accept love and to reciprocate. Above all, we have to recognize and accept
the primal code of attachment.
