All quotes from
Harville and Helen's book
Romantic love is the
powerful force that draws you to someone who has the positive and negative
qualities of your parents or caregiver.
We call the result
of not getting all of your needs met your "childhood wounding". You become sensitive in the present to what
was missing in the past.
Your unconscious
mind chose your partner. It knew that in
order to heal your childhood wounds, you had to feel these emotions again as an
adult. Marriage gives you this chance to
relieve memories and feelings from your childhood, but with a different happier
outcome.
Ninety percent of
our frustrations with our partner come from experiences from our past.
People's reaction to
stress and conflict fall into one of two categories: minimizing or
maximizing.... When Minimizers are anxious, they tend to pull their reactions
deep inside.... When Maximizers are anxious, they tend to express themselves
loudly.
Your partner's needs
are a blueprint for your own healing and growth -- and your needs are a
blueprint for your partner's.
This is the crux and
calling of a truly committed and conscious partnership: we need to answer the call to become each
other's healers.
When your partner
doesn't feel safe, they put up their defenses.
The best way to heal
a relationship is not to repair the two people, but the Space Between them.
Negativity is any
words, tone of voice, facial expression (such as rolling your eyes), or
behavior your partner says feels negative to them.
When you feel
superior to your partner (whether it is because you believe you're better or
because you feel they didn't have it as bad as you did) this is a sure sign
you're in competition.
Negativity is
invisible abuse.
Your job is to be a
source of safety for your partner.
Connection and joy
are two sides of the same coin.
Requesting what you
want shifts you out of the position of being a victim.
