All quotes from
Brene's book
The level to which
we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and
disconnection.
When we spend our
lives waiting until we're perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena,
we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be
recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts,
those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but
they don't exist in the human experience.
We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be -- a new relationship,
an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation
-- with courage and the willingness to engage.
When failure is not
an option we can forget about learning, creativity, and innovation.
Worrying about
scarcity is our culture's version of post-traumatic stress. It happens when we've been through too much,
and rather than coming together to heal (which requires vulnerability), we're
angry and scared and at each other's throats.
To believe
vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness.
Vulnerability is the
birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy,
accountability, and authenticity. If we
want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual
lives, vulnerability is the path.
We dismiss
vulnerability as weakness only when we realize that we've confused feeling with
failing and emotions with liabilities.
We have to be
vulnerable if we want more courage.
We judge people in
areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing
worse than we're doing. If I feel good
about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making
fun of other people's weight or appearance.
We're hard on each other because we're using each other as a launching
pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency.
Perfectionism is not
the path that leads us to our gifts and to our sense of purpose; it's the
hazardous detour.
Perfectionism is a
defensive move. It's the belief that if
we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of
blame, judgment, shame.
Perfectionism is not
self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.
Perfectionism is a
form of shame. Where we struggle with
perfectionism, we struggle with shame.
Perfectionism is
exhausting because hustling is exhausting. It's a never-ending performance.
One of the most
universal numbing strategies is what I call crazy-busy…. We are a culture of
people who've bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of
our lives won't catch up with us.
Oversharing is not
vulnerability. In fact, it often results
in disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.
Using vulnerability
is not the same thing as being vulnerable; it's the opposite -- it's
armor.
When we stop caring
about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what people think,
we lose our willingness to be vulnerable.
A leader is anyone
who holds her-or himself accountable for finding potential in people and
processes.
Shame can only rise
so far in any system before people disengage to protect themselves. When we're disengaged, we don't show up, we
don't contribute, and we stop caring.
Blame is simply the
discharging of pain and discomfort. We blame when we're uncomfortable and
experience pain -- when we're vulnerable, angry, hurt, in shame, grieving. There's nothing productive about blame.
Victory is not
getting good feedback, avoiding giving difficult feedback, or avoiding the need
for feedback. Instead it's taking off
the armor, showing up, and engaging.
Wholehearted
parenting: daring to be the adults we want our children to be.
Compassion and
connection -- the very things that give purpose and meaning to our lives -- can
only be learned if they are experienced.
Shame loves
prerequisites.
If we want to
cultivate worthiness in our children, we need to make sure they know that they
belong and that their belonging is unconditional.
In its original
Latin form, sacrifice means to make sacred or to make holy.
