All quotes from
John & Nan's book
Rather
than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each
other’s needs.
One of
the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value
until it is too late.
Tryst are unusually
not about sex but about seeking friendship, support, understanding, respect,
attention, caring, and concern.
Betrayal
lies at the heart of every failed relationship.
Certain
kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship
that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Usually these 4 horsemen clip-clop into the
heart of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness,
and stonewalling.
In
unhappy marriages, a feedback loop develops between the 4 horsemen and the
failure of repair attempts.
Couples
who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious
illnesses (colds, flu, and so on) than other people.
A
richly detailed love map – my term for that part of your brain where you store
all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Another way of saying
this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their
marriage…. They know each other’s life goals, worries, and hopes.
Couples
who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to
cope with stressful events and conflict.
If a
couples still have a functioning fondness and admiration system, their marriage
is salvageable…. Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements
in a rewarding and long-lasting romance…. They still feel that the person they
married is worthy of honor and respect.
They cherish each other.
By
simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities – even as you
grapple with each other’s flaws – you can prevent a happy marriage from
deteriorating.
Fondness
and admiration are antidotes for contempt.
The
key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of
scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let you
partner know what you’ve observed and are grateful for.
Cherishing
is a habit of mind in which, when you are separated during the course of the
day, maximize thoughts of your partner’s positive qualities and minimize
thoughts of negative ones. This active focusing on your partner’s merits allows
you to nurture gratefulness for what you have instead of resenting what is
missing.
When
people fall into a depression, their thinking may become disordered – they see
everything in an extremely negative light, which just adds to their sense of
hopelessness.
Real-life
romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes.
It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued
during the grind of everyday life.
In
marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s
attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a
backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging
parent is ill. The partner responds to
each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the
basis of trust, emotional connection.
Self-distraction has
become a permanent, unconscious habit for many people.
The
culture of distraction doesn’t benefit intimate relationships, which require
the opposite: the habit of being aware and paying attention.
Couples
often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.
Unless
your partner has specifically asked for help, don’t try to fix the problem,
change how your partner feels, or rescue him or her. Instead your motto should
be, “Don’t do something, just be there!”
When
your partner comes to you for emotional support (rather than for advice), your
job is not to cast moral judgment or to tell him or her what to do. It is to express empathy. In other words, your job is to say, “Poor
baby!”
If
your mate is feeling all alone in facing some difficulty, express
solidarity. Let him or her know that the
two of you are in this together.
Remember,
the goal is understanding.
Behind most anger is the feeling of being
blocked from reaching a goal.
When
you have a conflict, the key is to be willing to compromise.
Simply
because a problem is solvable doesn’t mean it gets resolved.
Negative
emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.
It is
virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other
person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are.
Remember:
if you go straight for the jugular, you’re going to draw plenty of blood.
Like
it or not, compromise is the only way to solve marital problems.
Compromise
is not just about one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways
to accommodate each other.
Remember,
working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and
longevity than working out at a health club.
