The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

All quotes from Harriet's book

Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give.

De-selfing means that too much of one's self (including thoughts, wants, beliefs, and ambitions) is "negotiable" under pressures from the relationship.

We all recognize intellectually that repeating our ineffective efforts achieves nothing and can even make things worse.  Yet, oddly enough, most of us continue to do more of the same, especially under stress.

Repeating the same old fights protects us from the anxieties we are bound to experience when we make a change. Ineffective fighting allows us to stop the clock when our efforts to achieve greater clarity become too threatening. Sometimes staying stuck is what we need to do until the times comes when we are confident that it is safe to get unstuck.

Opposites do attract, but they do not always live happily every after.

When emotional intensity is high in a family, most of us put the entire responsibility for poor communication on the other person…. We disown our own part in the interactions we complain of, and, with it, our power to bring about a change. 

Venting anger does not solve the problem that anger signals.

Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others.

If we feel chronically angry or bitter in an important relationship, this is a signal that too much of the self has been compromised.

Recognize our lack of clarity is not a weakness but an opportunity, a challenge, and a strength. 

Our anger can be a powerful vehicle for personal growth and change if it does nothing more than help us recognize that we are not yet clear about something and that it is our job to keep struggling with it. 

Diagnosing the other person is a favorite pastime for most of us when stress is high.

All of us inherit the unsolved problems of our past; and whatever we are struggling with has its legacy in the struggles of prior generations. 

We begin to use our anger as a vehicle for change when we are able to share our reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing our feelings, and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices and actions. 

There is nothing wrong with giving another person advice ("This is what I think…"or, "In my experience, this has worked for me") as long as we recognize that we are stating an opinion that may or may not fit for the other person.  We start to overfunction, however, when we assume that we know what's best for the other person and we want them to do it our way.

If we are dealing with depressed or underfunctioning individuals, the least helpful thing we can do is to keep focusing on their problems and trying to be helpful.  The most helpful thing we can do is begin to share part of our own underfunctioning side.

Don't expect change to come about from hit-and-run confrontations.

Distinguish between privacy and secrecy. 

Most of us react to other family members, but we do not know them.