Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and The Courage to Stand Alone by Brene Brown

All quotes from Brene's book

Even in the context of suffering -- poverty, violence, human rights violations -- not belonging in our families is still one of the most dangerous hurts.  That's because it has the power to break our heart, our spirit, and our sense of self-worth.

Sometimes the most dangerous thing for kids is the silence that allows them to construct their own stories -- stories that almost always cast them as alone and unworthy of love and belonging.

Belonging to ourselves means being called to stand alone -- to brave the wilderness of uncertainty, vulnerability, and criticism, and with the world feeling like a political and ideological combat zone, this is remarkably tough.

True belonging is not passive.  It's not the belonging that comes with just joining a group.  It's not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it's safer.  It's a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are.  We want true belonging, but it takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments. 

True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.

Our world is in a collective spiritual crisis. 

Loneliness as "perceived social isolation".  We experience loneliness when we feel disconnected…. At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction.

As members of a social species, we don't derive strength from our rugged individualism, but rather from our collective ability to plan, communicate, and work together.

The brain's self-protection mode often ramps up the stories we tell ourselves about what's happening, creating stories that are often not true or exaggerate our worst fears and insecurities. Unchecked loneliness fuels continued loneliness by keeping us afraid to reach out. 

Our natural conversation is centered on "what should we fear?" and "who should we blame?"

Our lack of tolerance for vulnerable, tough conversations is driving our self-sorting and disconnection.

If we can find a way to feel hurt rather than spread hurt, we can change. 

When we are in pain and fear, anger and hate are our go-to emotions.

We must never tolerate dehumanization -- the primary instrument of violence that has ben used in very genocide recorded throughout history.

All lives matter, but not all lives need to be pulled back into moral inclusion. Not all people were subjected to the psychological process of demonizing and being made less than human so we could justify the inhumane practice of slavery.

I've come to the conclusion that the way we engage with social media like fire --- you can use them to keep yourself warm and nourished, or you can burn down the barn.  It all depends on your intentions, expectations, and reality-checking skills.

The foundation of courage is vulnerability -- the ability to navigate uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate measure of courage.

The key to joy is practicing gratitude.

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

All quotes from Brene's book

The level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.

When we spend our lives waiting until we're perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.  Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don't exist in the human experience.  We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be -- a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation -- with courage and the willingness to engage.

When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creativity, and innovation.

Worrying about scarcity is our culture's version of post-traumatic stress.  It happens when we've been through too much, and rather than coming together to heal (which requires vulnerability), we're angry and scared and at each other's throats. 

To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.  It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.  If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.

We dismiss vulnerability as weakness only when we realize that we've confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities.

We have to be vulnerable if we want more courage.

We judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we're doing.  If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices. If I feel  good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people's weight or appearance.  We're hard on each other because we're using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency. 

Perfectionism is not the path that leads us to our gifts and to our sense of purpose; it's the hazardous detour.

Perfectionism is a defensive move.  It's the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, shame.

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.

Perfectionism is a form of shame.  Where we struggle with perfectionism, we struggle with shame. 

Perfectionism is exhausting because hustling is exhausting. It's a never-ending performance.

One of the most universal numbing strategies is what I call crazy-busy…. We are a culture of people who've bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won't catch up with us. 

Oversharing is not vulnerability.  In fact, it often results in disconnection, distrust, and disengagement. 

Using vulnerability is not the same thing as being vulnerable; it's the opposite -- it's armor. 

When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection.  When we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable.

A leader is anyone who holds her-or himself accountable for finding potential in people and processes.

Shame can only rise so far in any system before people disengage to protect themselves.  When we're disengaged, we don't show up, we don't contribute, and we stop caring.

Blame is simply the discharging of pain and discomfort. We blame when we're uncomfortable and experience pain -- when we're vulnerable, angry, hurt, in shame, grieving.  There's nothing productive about blame.

Victory is not getting good feedback, avoiding giving difficult feedback, or avoiding the need for feedback.  Instead it's taking off the armor, showing up, and engaging.

Wholehearted parenting: daring to be the adults we want our children to be. 

Compassion and connection -- the very things that give purpose and meaning to our lives -- can only be learned if they are experienced. 

Shame loves prerequisites.

If we want to cultivate worthiness in our children, we need to make sure they know that they belong and that their belonging is unconditional.

In its original Latin form, sacrifice means to make sacred or to make holy.  

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

All quotes from Brene’s book

Men and women who live wholeheartedly do indeed DIG deep.  They just do it in a different way when they’re exhausted and overwhelmed; they get Deliberate in their thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or simply setting their intentions; Inspired to make new and different choices; Going. They take action. 

If we can’t stand up to the never good enough and who do you think you are? We can’t move forward.  

The heart of compassion is really acceptance.  The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become.   

Our innate need for connection makes the consequences of disconnection that much more real and dangerous. 

If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way – especially shame, fear, and vulnerability. 

Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable – it’s the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy. 

Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us.  Shame is all about fear.  

Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment. 

Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors.  

My courage is acknowledging hurt and not hurting back.  

Cruelty is never brave – it’s mostly cheap and easy, especially in today’s culture. 

Resilience is often a slow unfolding of understanding.  

In order to deal with shame, some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please.  And, some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame.  

Shame is about fear, blame, and disconnection.  

Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice – a conscious choice of how we want to live. 

Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.  

“Staying real” is one of the most courageous battles that we’ll ever fight. 

Sometimes choosing being real over being liked is all about playing it unsafe. 

Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection. 

When we don’t care at all what people think and we’re immune to hurt, we’re also ineffective at connecting. 

If you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief. 

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best.  

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. 

Our children learn how to be self-compassionate by watching us, and the people around us feel free to be authentic and connected.  

Most of us engage in behaviors (consciously or not) that help us to numb and take the edge off vulnerability, pain and discomfort.   

When we lose our tolerance for discomfort, we lose joy.  

Feelings of hopelessness, fear, blame, pain, discomfort, vulnerability and disconnection sabotage resilience.  

Without purpose, meaning, and perspective, it is easy to lose hope, numb our emotions, or become overwhelmed by our circumstances.  We feel reduced, less capable, and lost in the face of struggle.  

The heart of spirituality is connection.  

It seems that gratitude without practice may be a little like faith without works – it’s not alive.  

Happiness is tied to circumstance and joyfulness is tied to spirit and gratitude.  

We need to cultivate the spiritual practices that lead to joyfulness, especially gratitude.  

A joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith.  

Until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude, intense feelings of love will often bring up the fear of loss.  

The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it.  It’s our fear of the dark that casts joy into the shadows.  

If we’re not practicing gratitude and allowing ourselves to know joy, we are missing out on the two things that will actually sustain us during the inevitable hard times.  

In many instances, we equate ordinary with boring or, even more dangerous, ordinary has become synonymous with meaningless.  

When we just want to get the decision-making over with, it’s a good idea to ask ourselves whether we simply can’t stand the vulnerability of being still long enough to think it through and make a mindful decision.  

Intuition is not a single way of knowing – it’s our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we’ve developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith and reason.  

It’s our fear of the unknown and our fear of being wrong that create most of our conflict and anxiety.  

Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.   

Comparison is all about conformity and competition.  

As long as we’re creating, we’re cultivating meaning.  

Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it’s about creating a clearing. It’s opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question.  

To overcome self-doubt, and “supposed to”, we have to start owning the messages.  What makes us afraid? What’s on our “supposed to” list? Who says? Why?  

When we value being cool and in control over granting ourselves the freedom to unleash the passionate, goofy, heartfelt, and soulful expressions of who we are, we betray ourselves.  

When we don’t give ourselves permission to be free, we rarely tolerate that freedom in others. 

However afraid we are of change, the question that we must ultimately answer is this: what’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?  

My story matters because I matter.