All quotes from
Rob & Kristen’s book
There are moments in marriage when you realize that you’re brushing
up against our deepest experiences of what it means to be human, when you
become aware that some of the most profound truths of the universe are lying
next to you in bed, moments that illuminate our most innate and mysterious
longings for grace and connection and vitality.
It’s risky to give yourself to another. There are no guarantees, and there are lots
of ways for it to all apart and break your heart. But the upside is infinite.
Marriage – gay or straight – is a gift to the world because the
world needs more – not less – love, fidelity, commitment, devotion, and
sacrifice.
Before there was anything, there was only God…. For something to
exist other than God, then, God had to create space that wasn’t God…. God had
to contract or withdraw from a
certain space so that something else, something other than God, could exist and
thrive in that space.
People often aren’t aware of just how responsive the space between
them is. It matters what you say, it matters what you do, it matters how you
think about this other person, it matters how you think about yourself.
To act, you first have to know.
It’s one thing to be in love; it’s another to act because of
love. Love is a noun – a feeling you
have – and it’s also a verb, something you do.
Your marriage will only be as healthy as the least healthy one of
you.
Pain and discomfort and the gnawing sense that things could be
better are your friends. They wake you up, they stir you to action, they
motivate you to get help.
There are seasons in marriage: when you first get together and
you’re totally absorbed in each other is a very different season from the one
when you’re both starting new jobs or when your first kid goes off to school or
when you’re remodeling a house or your work involves long hours…. Some seasons
happen because of choices you make; others arrive unexpectedly and
uninvited. Some seasons come and go
quickly; others feel like they drag on and on.
When you get married you’re starting a conversation that never ends.
We all have ways we avoid conflict, and we also have triggers that
escalate conflict.
Triggers are words phrases, and reminders that feed our fears and
vulnerabilities and insecurities. These
triggers activate the more primitive part of our brains putting us in a
heightened, defensive state.
When you’re fighting, it’s absolutely crucial to keep remembering
that they’re trying to figure it out just like you are.
When you fight, there’s often an issue behind the issue…. You’re
probably arguing about trust or responsibility or not listening or caring or
making an effort.
You know there’s an issue behind the issue when your reaction is way
out of proportion to whatever it is you’re fighting about.
It’s one thing in the middle of a tense discussion to say, why in
the world do you see it that way? Which is really the question, why can’t you
see it like I do? Which is really asking, what’s wrong with you? It’s another
thing in the middle of the same tense discussion to ask, why do you see it that
way? By which you’re also asking, what am I missing? Which leads to what are
you seeing that I’m not seeing that I need you to help me see?
When in doubt, assume that they’re seeing something that you aren’t.
It’s really important that you do your absolute best to articulate
what isn’t working for you – without attaching unnecessary emotion to it.
Great marriages have an ease about them, a back-and-forth
nonreactive, nondefensive, open, and ongoing flow in which you never stop
talking and figuring it out together.
Something beautiful comes from the dark and unknown and unexpected.
In quantum physics, when two subatomic particles have been bonded
and then separated, they demonstrate an awareness of each other after they’ve
been disconnected. This is called
entanglement.
You each have an interior life – doubts, fears, insecurities, issues
you’re sorting out, wounds that you are healing, hopes and dreams you
have. No matter how confident or strong
or successful we maybe appear we’re all a jumble of vulnerabilities and
questions trying to make sense of what it means to be us.
You don’t just have a body, you are a body. And how you think about your body is directly
related to how you experience grace…. Spirituality is not about escape from the
body or this world; it’s about being fully present in it.
To forgive, you first have to name the hurt. It may be an actual phrase they used or an
action they took; other times, it may be a feeling that you pick up. Whatever it is, you can’t send it away if you
don’t know what it is.
Sometimes people are wounded but they can’t identify what the wound
actually is, and so they carry around a vague cloud of pain while their heart
grows cold.
God is a community of oneness.
God is movement, motion, energy, generosity.
Love is the engine of the universe, the life force that surges
through all of creation.
When you live beyond yourself, orienting yourself around the
thriving of another, you are reflecting the image of God. You are unleashing in
the space between you the same divine energies that continue to create the
universe.
It’s easy to divide your experiences in marriage into the good ones
and the bad ones…. But the longer you’re married the more you see that
everything that comes your way is an opportunity to find God and each other in
new ways.
Be careful of your expectations.
Find your happiness within yourself, not in someone else.
