Kidnappers are just
businessmen trying to get the best price.
The United States
was experiencing an epidemic of airline hijackings at the time: there were five
in one three-day period in 1970.
People want to be
understood and accepted. Listening is
the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there.
In this world, you
get what you ask for; you just have to ask correctly.
Too often people
find it easier just to stick with what they believe. Using what they've heard or their own biases,
they often make assumptions about others even before meeting them.
It's not that easy
to listen well. We are easily
distracted. We engage in selective
listening, hearing only what we want to hear, our minds acting on a cognitive
bias for consistency rather than truth.
Instead of
prioritizing your argument -- in fact, instead of doing any thinking at all in
the early goings about what you're going to say -- make your sole and
all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say.
Neither wants or
needs are where we start; it begins with listening, making it about the other
people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a
real conversation to begin.
On a mostly
unconscious level, we can understand the minds of others not through any kind
of thinking but through quite literally grasping what the other is feeling.
We fear what's
different and are drawn to what's similar.
Negotiation is not
an act of battle; it's a process of discovery.
The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.
Emotions are one of
the main things that derail communication.
Emotions aren't the
obstacles, they are the means.
Empathy is paying
attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a
commitment to understanding their world.
Empathy is not about
being nice or agreeing with the other side.
It's about understanding them.
Empathy helps us learn the position the enemy is in, why their actions
make sense (to them), and what might move them.
Labeling is a way of
validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it… Think of labeling as a
shortcut to intimacy, a time-saving emotional hack.
The trick to
spotting feelings is to pay close attention to changes people undergo when they
respond to external events.
The best way to deal
with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment.
Many of us wear
fears upon fears, like layers against the cold, so getting to safety takes
time.
"No" is
the start of the negotiation, not the end of it…. "No" is often a
decision, frequently temporary, to maintain the status quo. Change is scary, and "No" provides
a little protection from that scariness.
When someone tells
you "No", you need to rethink the word in one of its alternative ---
and much more real -- meanings: I am not
yet ready to agree; You are making me feel uncomfortable; I do not understand;
I don’t think I can afford it; I want something else; I need more information;
or I want to talk it over with someone else.
There are actually
three kinds of "Yes": Counterfeit, Confirmation, and Commitment.
We need to persuade
from their perspective, not ours.
Though the intensity
may differ from person to person, you can be sure that everyone you meet is
driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need to
feel in control.
The sooner you say
"No", the sooner you're willing to see options and opportunities that
you were blind to previously.
The moment you've
convinced someone that you truly understand her dreams and feelings (the whole
world that she inhabits), mental and behavioral change becomes possible, and
the foundation for a breakthrough has been laid.
While we may use
logic to reason ourselves toward a decision, the actual decision making is
governed by emotion.
All negotiations are
defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs.
